2013....

kinda just want to be alone for a while.

im sorry

happy new year

december 31 2012

got woken up early today, saw the clock and its only 4 something, cant get a good sleep i guess

lots has been running through my mind

one thing for sure though, this time round, i'm not telling a single soul what i think nor what took place

i dont really want to listen to any so call "advises" , "comments" , "opinions" , "judgements" , "feedbacks" on me or on her. I believe whatever took place is quite private. Its a bit devastating to me. The hammer hits even harder when i work hard to achieve something only to realize that one other half don't really know what i'm working hard for. Miscommunication?? mis-interpret i would rather put it

even my parents ask

im not saying anything

and all of a sudden my mom came and go off saying i should start a family sooner to avoid much problem

i did not reply for i knew she wont understand

did i said no?? why is she even judging me on this?? silly people

at this junction of life, having study, experience and endure a certain level of exposure, i am very sure i know what i'm doing.

and you know what the funny part is??

even though after listening to what i say, people still go back to what they think

silly people

*********************************************

I am a person who knows what i'm doing

when i say i listen, it does not mean i need somebody to change my mind or opinion

i just want to listen a different perspective

i got a statement the other day and it goes like this "i have been working with you for the past 4 years and i realize you do have high tolerance level. If a person can make you go crazy, that person must really know how to push your buttons"

i replied "knowing someone so much, sometimes could back fired"

He replied "exactly, and the worst part is even though she knew what pisses you off. She still do it. Is she looking for a fight??"

i stay silent for a while and replied "sometimes a lady just want some attention, i just got really mad that she has to use this way to get my attention. There are many many ways to do it"

he goes off by telling me some of his stories and philosophy

actually what this person is saying, i already knew. However by listening from another party, you get a different perspective at times

i did not unveil my whole situation, but rather reminding of who i am.

*********************************************

 

 

In god i trust

let the whole world go against me

everybody just like to act smart pretending they know everything afterall

they are the judge, they are the critics, they are everything

mr.cupid

If you love, then love-- why must you know?
Calculating affinity is not important
You ask, "But I'll grow older day by day"
If I like you, I'll like you until we're old
Completely using up all of my merits
To substitute all of your faults

Because of you, I can't sleep
Falling into accidentally-planned traps
Even if it's difficult, I won't run away
I've set out on a road that doesn't return
I won't kneel down to beg mr.cupid for mercy
Even if it's painful, I'll still laugh

Mr.cupid can't see us, he can't hear us
He's so busy he can't answer our prayers
I'd guess he already forgoten about us long time ago
many will say that we must go find our own happiness
Please don't wait until you're old before you realize my merits

Last night, in my dreams, I saw mr.cupid
He wanted me to urge you to consider carefully
Who on this world would be best for you

It turns out he could actually see us, he could hear us
We needed to rely on each other's hearts
he can't bear to tear us apart

Mr.cupid told me that love is that subtle
Inperceptibly but inexorably, we two could not be one less
He's willing to keep praying for me
He prays that we two will not be one less

而我心碎妳受罪 妳的美 我不配

這街上太擁擠　太多人有秘密　玻璃上有霧氣在被隱藏起過去
妳臉上的情緒　在還原那場雨　這巷弄太過彎曲走不回故事裡

這日子不再綠　又斑駁了幾句　剩下搬空回憶的我在大房子裡
電影院的座椅　隔遙遠的距離　感情沒有對手戲妳跟自己下棋

還來不及仔仔細細寫下妳的關於
描述我如何愛妳　妳卻微笑的離我而去

＃這感覺　已經不對　我努力在挽回
　一些些　應該體貼的感覺　我沒給
　妳嘟嘴　許的願望很卑微　在妥協
　是我忽略　妳不過要人陪

＊這感覺　已經不對　我最後才了解
　一頁頁　不忍翻閱的情節　妳好累
　妳默背　為我掉過幾次淚　多憔悴
　而我心碎妳受罪　妳的美　我不配

*****************************

而我心碎妳受罪　妳的美　我不配

this wording mean so much to me now

pair of shoes

saw this ferragamo men shoes the other day, love it.. it looks really good..

never had a ferragamo shoe before, i will make it mine someday..

:)

its a sporty looking shoes...

as of recently i have been eating some vitamin pills, it's dreadful. i hate pills. taking in around 5 pills a day.. oh gosh

however i have been feeling better since, less tired and stress

time eases up for me during the evening and i will pick up a thing or two to improve myself.

:)

its better to take time to better myself and reflect. i have been taking things for granted and being too stressful, next year will be better. much better, that i'm very sure..

:)

memory

my best memory took place here

its where i feel free and happy as we get to do things we never did before....

space boy floating

i am very sure everything happen for a reason

i have been away from god for a while
losing my principles for a while
forgot how to well treat a person for a while

arguments is all i know
causing much harm and destruction along the way
a wake up call

always the same thing, sailing too high and i forgot the ground
there's always a person to remind me about me flying too high
back to basic and doing my ground work
i'm going vegan for a while, heading back to my roots

i deserve for everything that is coming my way
i will shoulder this and soldier on, its ok
good guy, bad guy.. it does not matter
i regret that i did not do my best and as guilt wrap its arm around me

i rather my world be without sunlight so long as she can give that smile  again
but there are people who has walk path that is even worst than mine...
i know she is better off without me and that im very sure at least she can smile a little more
im also very sure there's a reason why god make me walk this road

we started at april 15 2007
how time has flew by, memories were created in the process
5 years is some period
maybe its even too much for her

it will rain again

If you ever leave me, baby,
Leave some morphine at my door
'Cause it would take a whole lot of medication
To realize what we used to have,
We don't have it anymore.

There's no religion that could save me
No matter how long my knees are on the floor (Ooh)
So keep in mind all the sacrifices I'm makin'
To keep you by my side
To keep you from walkin' out the door.

'Cause there'll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away
Everyday it'll rain, rain, ra-a-a-ain

I'll never be your mother's favorite
Your daddy can't even look me in the eye
Ooh, if I was in their shoes, I'd be doing the same thing
Sayin' "There goes my little girl
Walkin' with that troublesome guy"

But they're just afraid of something they can't understand
Ooh, but little darlin' watch me change their minds
Yeah for you I'll try, I'll try, I'll try, I'll try
I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding
If that'll make you mine

'Cause there'll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
Just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away
Everyday it'll rain, rain, ra-a-a-ain

Oh, don't you say (don't you say) goodbye (goodbye),
Don't you say (don't you say) goodbye (goodbye)
I'll pick up these broken pieces 'til I'm bleeding
If that'll make it right

'Cause there'll be no sunlight
If I lose you, baby
There'll be no clear skies
If I lose you, baby
And just like the clouds
My eyes will do the same, if you walk away
Everyday it'll rain, rain, ra-a-a-ain

drench in rain

There was once when i had a fight with P, she ends up waiting for me to come back from the park.

Tonight, i just did the same. i waited at the park looking for that familiar face to turn up. It was dark and there were few insect bites, i just sit there quietly and calmly, do some thinking myself too. Then it rains.

i did not move, the rain gets heavier and heavier

a few drop of tears roll down my cheek.

I am really not trying to sound innocent or get vote of condifence nor am i explaning, i'm just expressing

i waited and waited

the rain drench me wet. real wet

i sat there for a very long time

there lies a glimpse of hope of seeing her turning up, asking me to go inside because its raining on the outside

i end up walking home alone

you know why i'm so sad??

because i know the very special things that we share, will not be shared ever

forgot

you have forgot it all

*********************

no, no.. no need for much consulation or offering shoulder

its a pity after everythng

it has come down to this

*********************

it has not been easy

but you have forgot the road we had travel

no need to scream or comment

*********************

i miss that feet that once warm the blanket

december 27

always got woken up at this time, turning sideway to look for that familiar look

like who can really understand??

how do i feel at this moment?? i felt very different both day and night

but it does not matter

***************

you always know how to hurt me the most

when things are always this ugly, you tend to have that backup

why is there always a backup??

***************

I always says this

"what jest think is not important"

never is

is there a point??

***************

i too need a shoulder to lean and cry on

i am a human too

but why am i always the bad person

coming from the person who understand me the most

is there really a need for me to say anything??

****************

december 26

it will eventually when we are heading the right direction

however a lot of people do not understand this

they understand it verbally but not extensively

for when it comes to practicing it, many tends to stop and doubt themself

seriously, nobody understand the work rate that i have put in

many thought i'm up to no good or doing some hanky panky

i shrug my shoulder

life is more than just making money but the feeling of achieving something, thats very different

i heard loads of voices and also judgements

many will critic and also doubt our very own ability

but we never for a second should doubt ourself

never let anybody tell us that we cant do anything

touch the void

The road has been rocky and a little bit rough at times, i'm climbing and i'm crawling

i know i will be there

it's windy, it's also freezing

but i know i will be there

hardwork is slowly paying off and i'm very glad the very system that i insist and building is finally taking off, waving a slow goodbye to the many out of state trip

only matter of time before i slowly wave goodbye to the many weekends that have taken a toll on my life

maybe just a year or two before i can finally let the steam off my chest

we record a staggering 83.33% growth comparing to last year, a drop of tears suddenly roll down my cheek now, although i am beyond tired i knew that this day will come.

we are also slowly venturing into the overseas market, another exciting project

will this ever stop one might ask.

i always answer back with solid yes, however just give me some time to build up the foundation and system. It will be fine and i will be fine

i'm not eyeing any award nor recognition, however the feeling of knowing i build something up with my own bare hand together with my comrad is very enriching and satisfying.

Of course, hats off to them too for working their ass off, but as i always say

we will one day touch the void.

total wreck

i thought of turning in a new blog for i think the previous one have way too many negativity, in short it fits the word despair... i was very confident that when i shift it here it will be different

kinda end up feeling shitty and same too

i got a bit tired struggling

i felt

so so so so so

lonely

im in a total wreck.....

perfect saviour

One would never understand how it feels to swim with dolphins in the wild until you did so, you could understand it verbally or even watch it from movies but the experience is different

just as what i always told myself, whatever i'm going through or experiencing. Nobody would understand

Thats ok, because nobody should afterall

 

 

All this at what cost??

 

just to shine bright like a diamond? to gain recognition or to gain success?

After everything that i have been and walk through i knew everything will work out and be fine in the end.

That does not mean i need to answer to everybody's question. Just one person is more than adequate for me. Although at times that very person doubt my own statement too.

I know she understands me

All blood, sweat and tears makes me understand life much more in a different view

you can bring me to my knees but no, not anyone. Not life not anybody

we bond together like two little doves
we knew deep inside we will be there protecting the each other like little glove
simply because there exist in us something call love
we start off as just couple of youngster
meeting each other like a stranger
just like in a scripture
we got together
holding each other
though at times there are some bloopers
we always manage to talk it over
you have been always my little prayer
my life warmer
during that ever cold winter
you are my main actress, i am your main actor
but shall we walk together as a stranger
or somewhat better
living a loving romantic chapter
and be at each other's arm as that perfect saviour
and ever
and ever